On being your partner’s person without becoming his entire social infrastructure. Plus: the expensive new version of “effortless,” birthday blues, four restaurants worth saving and a personal AI assistant that would like access to…everything.
Career. Style. Restaurants. Life upgrades. And whatever else happens to be living rent-free in my brain that week. Every Thursday. Happy you're here!
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What's Got Me Thinking This Week
Hosting is really my personality.
Sorry, Paak.
For my birthday, I built an entire wine tasting from scratch, arranged enough glassware to make cleanup its own event and forced everyone to attempt a very difficult spelling bee.
There were no winners.
We eventually gave up.
It was also extremely successful.
And because Paak’s birthday is the 25th, I am now moving directly from my birthday production into his. Rest was briefly considered and rejected by management.
But putting all of this together made me think about how much I genuinely love creating the plan, inviting people over and giving everybody a reason to be in the same room.
It also made me think about the person who is almost always in that room with me.
My husband. My best friend.
And occasionally, the person wondering why our house contains 17 wineglasses and a printed tasting guide.
THE BIG THOUGHT
My Husband Is My Best Friend. That Might Be Too Much of a Job.
I say Paak is my best friend because he is.
He is the person I can turn to and say, “Omgggg, you know what happened?” The only limitation is that he is a man and does not always want the tea, understand the tea or care about the tea.
Which…fair.
But we laugh. We have inside jokes. We annoy each other. We share enough interests to enjoy being together and enough different ones to keep learning something new.
It feels a little like the best friendship you imagined having when you were younger—except now that person also knows how much you spent at dinner and whether you actually called the dentist.
Being each other’s favorite person is beautiful. Being each other’s only person is a lot.
I started thinking about this after reading a story in The Cut about husbands without their own friends.
The story stayed with me because it made me think about how naturally a couple’s social lives can become intertwined—especially when one person moves somewhere new.
Paak moved to the Bay Area for me. His core circle is still in Southern California, while mine is split between where we live now, SoCal and the people I maintain primarily through texts because I hate callllllling.
Since I already had some connections here, I naturally became one of his bridges into building a local circle of his own.
And I am already a strange combination of antisocial and social. I can be extremely low-maintenance with my oldest friends, disappear into work for a week and then invite someone I met once to my next dinner because I liked their vibe.
Some say I am an odd one.
But because I am usually the person making the reservation, planning the dinner or asking who is free, it is easy for my social life to become our social life.
At first, part of me thought: If this does not work out socially, we are both fucked.
Very calm. Very measured.
But at some point, you have to allow the other person to build a life that is not entirely routed through you.
A partner cannot be the date, best friend, therapist, social coordinator and entire weekend plan.
This is not me saying husbands and wives should stop being best friends.
I like being close to my husband. I like that we genuinely enjoy each other. I like that we have shared friends and separate friends. And realistically, we are lucky because we usually like spending time with the same people.
But closeness becomes something else when one person is responsible for maintaining all of the couple’s connections—or when either partner starts asking, “Where are you?” and “Can I come?” every time the other one leaves the house.
Sometimes there will be girls’ nights. Boys’ nights. Coffee plans where your spouse is not included.
And that is good.
There is also a reasonable counterpoint: not every couple wants a giant friend group. Some people genuinely prefer smaller circles, quieter weekends and spending most of their free time with each other.
That is not automatically unhealthy.
The real question is whether it is a choice that works for both people—or an arrangement one partner is quietly maintaining.
The problem is not that my husband is my best friend.
The problem would be asking our marriage to do the work of an entire community.
I want to be Paak’s person.
I do not need to be every person.
One Thing I Learned
Mankeeping
The concept:
Researchers Angelica Ferrara and Dylan Vergara use mankeeping to describe unreciprocated work women may do to maintain the emotional and social needs of men in their lives.
That can include managing a partner’s social calendar, maintaining his friendships, buying cards for his people or becoming his primary source of emotional support.
Importantly, the researchers distinguish this from balanced friendships and normal care between partners. It is specifically about social labor that becomes unequal. Read Stanford’s explanation
In plain English
It is not:
“My husband asked me to make a reservation.”
It is:
“If I stop texting everyone, planning everything and keeping the relationships alive, does his entire local social life disappear?”
The larger friendship data adds some context. A Pew Research Center survey found that men and women were similarly likely to have at least one close friend, but women communicated with close friends more frequently and were more likely to turn to friends for emotional support.
So the problem is not simply that men have no friends.
It may be that some men use those friendships differently—and more of their emotional and social needs end up concentrated inside their romantic relationships.
What I’m stealing from this
Do not measure the health of a relationship only by how much time you spend together.
Also ask:
- Do we both have people we can call?
- Do we both initiate plans?
- Can we attend things separately without guilt?
- Is one person responsible for keeping every shared relationship alive?
- Does our closeness make our lives bigger—or quietly make our worlds smaller?
Your partner can be your best friend.
He should not need you to operate the entire friendship department.
WHAT I WORE
Birthday blues, minus the sadness
This pale-blue mini is doing a lot—in the best way.
The oversized sleeves, cinched waist and bubble hem give it enough shape that the dress handles most of the outfit. I kept everything else simple because once the sleeves have entered the room, nobody needs a competing presentation.
And yes, I wore it with flip-flops.
It was my birthday. I had already done enough.
Why it worked
The proportions make it feel special without requiring layers, difficult shoes or additional outfit math. The color is soft, but the silhouette keeps it from feeling overly sweet.
Perfect for
- Birthdays
- Dinner somewhere chic but not painfully formal
- Vacation nights
- Any outfit that needs to look like a decision without becoming a project
THE EXTRA STORY
The new impossible body is medicated, expensive and still pretending to be effortless
I read The Cut’s story about GLP-1 use inside sorority culture, and the first thing that got me was how young some of these women are.
College is already a place where everyone is comparing bodies, clothes, money, popularity and who appears to be handling all of it most naturally.
Now add access to expensive medication—and the pressure to pretend the result happened without help.
The issue is not simply the medication.
GLP-1 medications can be legitimate, medically appropriate treatments. This is not an argument about who deserves to use them or a request for everyone to disclose their health information to the group chat.
The part that interests me is the combination of secrecy, money, competition and a beauty standard that still wants to look effortless.
The shortcut becomes increasingly normal.
Admitting to the shortcut still feels like cheating.
Meanwhile, everybody else is comparing themselves with a result they may not know they are looking at.
Do influencers owe their audiences disclosure?
My answer is yes when the transformation is being used to sell something else.
Bitch, I got flagged for promoting shishito jam.
So if someone is monetizing a dramatic body change through supplements, workout plans, “what I eat in a day” videos or vague claims about discipline, leaving medication out of the story matters.
Close friends are different. Nobody owes the world access to private medical information.
But friendship gets weird when one person is quietly using a major tool while allowing the people closest to her to believe they are failing at the same process.
And yes, people online have become better at calling out sudden transformations. The comments are no longer automatically accepting “Pilates and water” as a complete explanation.
Progress?
The impossible body has always required work.
Now the work may include a prescription, a monthly payment and a nondisclosure agreement with yourself.
The problem is not that the body was achieved with help.
It is that the help disappears from the story while the result becomes everybody else’s new baseline.
WHERE I'M EATING
Flour + Water Pasta Shop — I finally went
I previously saved Flour + Water Pasta Shop as a San Francisco lunch to try.
This time, I actually went.
The Pasta Shop is the casual answer for anyone who wants Flour + Water pasta without turning lunch into a full tasting-menu commitment.
We ordered greens, two different pastas, wine and a cookie—because splitting two pastas is almost always the correct decision. And it's actually quite a deal for $30 + half off wine bottles during the day isn't a bad way to top off the afternoon on a Friday.
The Agnolotti was A1 but so was the bolognese...the only thing I was regretting was not getting a sandwich too...there were fried chicken sandwiches floating around the room that looked like they needed a home on our table. :) Anyways! That'll be next time.
Perfect for
- A casual lunch that still feels like a plan
- Splitting multiple pastas
- A daytime date
- Taking a visitor somewhere distinctly San Francisco
- Buying fresh pasta or wine to take home and pretending dinner is already handled
Save Flour + Water Pasta Shop →
More reservations worth making
Bay Area Save: Restaurant Naides — when dinner is the birthday present
Restaurant Naides is an intimate Nob Hill tasting-menu restaurant from Patrick Gabon and Celine Wuu, built around Filipino flavors, fermentation, foraging and some very serious technique.
The menu reimagines dishes like puto, okoy and sinigang without making the food feel like a gimmicky fine-dining translation. The San Francisco Chronicle called it the Bay Area’s only dedicated Filipino tasting-menu restaurant—which also means this is not a casual Wednesday reservation. Read more about the restaurant
Perfect for: A milestone birthday, a tasting-menu person or a celebration where dinner is the entire plan.
LA Save:
ALTO — date night with actual fire
ALTO brings Argentine and Uruguayan flavors to a dramatic live-fire kitchen in Studio City.
The full restaurant works for a proper special occasion, but its newer bar menu offers a more casual way in with South American street food, shareable plates and vermouth. Order the chipa, get something smoky and save room for the dulce de leche soufflé. Date night deserves a little theater. See the newer bar concept
Perfect for: Date night, an anniversary or anyone who believes an open flame should count as ambiance.
NYC Save:
Somssi — the girls’ dinner where sharing is mandatory
The name Somssi means a sense of craft in Korean, and the Greenwich Village restaurant comes from the larger team behind Atoboy, Atomix and NARO.
The menu mixes Asian and European ingredients with immigrant nostalgia: potato, potato, potato with caviar; grilled ox tongue; and linguine al ragù with mustard kimchi. Basically, the table needs to agree now that everyone is sharing. See what to order
Reservations are released 14 days ahead at 10 a.m. Eastern.
Perfect for: Girls’ dinner, a curious date or a group that wants wine, sake and something more interesting than four separate entrées.
SOMETHING I MADE
The birthday wine tasting was done by yours truly
Birthday wine tasting
The wine tasting was not booked.
It was done by yours truly.
I built the entire birthday spread—wines, cheeses, charcuterie, pairings and enough glassware to make cleanup its own event.
The setup took hours.
Completely worth it.
Picture included because I would like credit.
HIS EDIT — PAAK'S PICKS
Let one accessory interrupt the neutrals
Paak went with a cream textured cardigan, relaxed black trousers and black Chelsea boots—then added the red Dodgers hat so the outfit did not get too serious.
Why it works
The cardigan softens the black trousers and boots, while the hat gives the outfit one clear focal point.
A very good birthday-host uniform, even if the host was technically me.
Perfect for
- Hosting at home
- Daytime birthday plans
- A casual dinner
- Looking put-together without wearing anything too precious
Paak’s style rule
If the outfit is mostly neutral, give it one thing people will remember.
- Red LA Dodgers ’47 Hitch Cap
- Sawyer Mohair Cardigan
- Pleated Relaxed-Fit Trousers
- Steve Madden Aldair Chelsea Boots
THINGS POTENTIALLY MAKING LIFE EASIER
The AI assistant that would like access to…everything
Meta recently introduced Muse, a personal AI agent designed to do more than answer questions.
It can browse the web, connect with other services, make purchases, create documents, book reservations and continue handling tasks in the background.
So, basically, the personal assistant people have been asking AI to become.
There is just one small detail.
To be truly useful, it may need access to your email, calendar, files, purchases, contacts and other pieces of your digital life.
Meta says Muse uses a secure virtual computer and gives people permission controls and opportunities to approve its actions.
My hot take
This is either the personal assistant normal people have been waiting for—or the final stage of handing a tech company the keys to your entire life because you did not feel like calling the restaurant.
I understand both sides because I want it immediately and do not want it near anything.
Convenience is getting very close to intimacy.
I will say though, the sheer cuteness, user-friendlyness and personalization of the avatar is quite appealing in comparison to other AI bots. And as far as permissions go...it's about as sweet as it can be when it comes to asking!
All that to say...I've named mine Elodie and she's amazing.
CLOSING VIBES
Watching
I finished the Lioness finale and immediately wanted to run the whole show back.
Then I learned Zoe Saldaña and Nicole Kidman are both executive producers, which makes complete sense because the women on this show are doing everything—including producing their own chaos. See the series details
Tiny birthday joy
We attempted the Niitty Play spelling bee.
It was very difficult, produced zero winners and ended when we collectively gave up.
It was also hilarious and extremely successful.
Sometimes the game wins.
FRIDAY’S GRIITTY
You ordered one drink. They ordered three. Are we still splitting the check evenly?
We reviewed 44 top-level TikTok comments, and 41 gave us a classifiable answer.
The result: 59% said people should pay for what they ordered or request separate checks.
Only 12% defended an even split.
This is a small, self-selected internet sample—not a national referendum on appetizers—but the group chat has spoken loudly enough for us to investigate.
The practical verdict: If the orders are similar or your group has a trusted system, split it. If the difference is meaningful, pay by item.
And please discuss this before the bill arrives and everybody suddenly becomes an accountant.
Read the complete Question 001 findings →
UNTIL NEXT WEEK
Thank you for spending part of your week with me.
I’m going to rest now—or plan Paak’s birthday and pretend that counts.
May your spouse remain your favorite person without becoming your entire village, may your pasta order include at least two options and may your next spelling bee contain one word a normal person can spell.
See you next week. 🤎
